by Steven Schultz
AN OVERVIEW OF THE NEXT-GENERATION ECONOMIC RE-SCALING:
Just when you thought your e-business solutions were catching up to the 'New
Economy..' Here comes the 'NEW New Economy' (or the N-Squared, as it's called
in underground investment circles)!! Most of America's net-savvy investors
and entrepreneurs stand to take a financial beating, but the alert PCTYRANT
reader gets in on the ground floor of this proactive new paradigm!! Simply
put, a new generation of 'super-search-engines' and 'mega-data-bases' are
poised to forever change the way we think of commerce by eliminating the e-barrier
between vendor and client!!
Morton Puh, senior analyst at the MIT Institute for TelEconomic Policy, explains the coming paradigm shift this way: "This 'New-new economy' is merely the convergence of the same two trend-vectors currently powering the 'Old-new': Everyone wants more information quicker. Customers want to know every bargain at once, and sellers want to know all of customers' purchasing habits. But ironically, when technology takes these trends to their logical conclusion, something unexpected happens: the line between buyer and seller disappears. Everyone becomes a seller and a buyer simultaneously."
CONVERGENCE OF THE TREND-VECTORS
Since both sides gain economically from learning more about each other, daring
investors have been labeling this a 'can't lose' proposition, secretly pouring
lots of capital into a new generation of search-engines and 'MegaBases' that
will take things to the next level: shoppers will enter all their worldly
possessions in a worldwide database (such as MeSquared's Omnilist or
ButtSoft's GotitBase). Then, subscribers will enter all the goods and services
that they're desperate to receive in a synergistically linked parallel database,
such as GimmeBase. Entering this will allow them to instantly see everything
that retailers have for sale-or even in the retailers' own homes!! It might
seem cumbersome searching the whole planet for all possible ratchet or washing-machine
vendors, but the new generation of search engines narrow the search in a very
proactive way: they only list vendors that have what you want, that also want
things that you have.
One such engine-in-progress (due out next year) is IntroSpectre. IntroSpectre chairwoman Eileen Euhhh, explains how it works: "Say you want a frozen trout, and you're prepared to pay up to $200 for it. Let's also say that on your personal GotitBase, you list that you have several extra printers. But a particular trout vendor in your area has just broken his printer, and he needs to get a new one in time for the Hatcheries' Convention tomorrow. He's a desperate man, he'd pay $400 for a new printer, so he puts "Printer" on his GimmeBase. If you were searching trout vendors on foot, or in the Old-new economy, you'd never know he'd give you massive seafood value for an obsolete peripheral you hadn't thought of in months. But with IntroSpectre, he'd come up as your number one match. You can take up-to-the-minute advantage of changing market conditions to maximize your returns while minimizing your investment!! Why, it's entirely possible you could simply swap the trout for the printer, and each of you would save hundreds of dollars! That's what Chiwapatty was talking about when he said 'the N-Squared will eliminate the adversarial relationship between vendors and clients by making everyone a vendor.' IntroSpectre could turn ecommerce into a zero-sum gain!"
HOT-POINT SYNERGY FOR THE NEW MILLENIUM EXPLAINED:
The Chiwapatty that Ms. Eeuhhh so reverently quoted is Bartholomew Chiwapatty,
one of The Godfathers of New, along with partner Morcedai Carter. They came
up with the conceptual breakthrough while synthesizing fuzzy algorithms to
analyze new info-trends. Once word of their discovery got out, investment
dollars started pouring in. They have since formed their own consulting company
based on a combination of their names: Barter Incorporated. "We're really
excited about this brand-new phase of human civilization, we're thinking of
calling it the Barter System after ourselves." Morcedai says, "We're on the
verge of a new economic age, never before dreamed of, where goods and services
can be directly exchanged for other goods and services!! Constantly evolving
technologies coupled with a new wave of hi-tech venture capital have generated
a hot-point synergy for the new millennium!! Sure, some people say it'll be
another hundred years before we're advanced enough to Barter-- it'll take
hundreds of gigabytes and terraflops on over a hundred mainframes, but if
we can evolve that far, it'll be worth it!"
DO INTEGRATED SHEEP-SWAPPING SOLUTIONS SPELL THE END OF THE STOCK MARKET??
Another unexpected implication of the New-New is that with everyone trading
goods directly for other goods, stocks and bonds might become obsolete. Cautions
Morton Puh, "The promise of the Old-new is that-given fast enough databases--
sellers can make more money by marketing directly to those people most likely
to buy, and buyers can save more money by using comparison-shopping search
engines. But what will happen when technology fulfills these promises? People
can't simultaneously pay more and save more!! Obviously what will happen is,
money itself will disappear. Why? The old-new economy used abstract forms
of wealth- stocks and cash- merely because the technology wasn't fast enough
to link everyone who wanted something directly to everyone who had it. In
other words, you'd need paper money to store your wealth for the months (or
even years) it took you to find the proper goods and the proper price. Now,
you don't need to wait anymore! Now that we have that technology, the market
can no longer support the demand for superfluous, abstract wealth. In a word,
it's obsolete."
Thus, not all investors are friends of the N-Squared. Sheila MacPlugh (senior bond analyst at Schwab) says, "I am not going to invest in any of this so-called GimmeTech, and I would caution other investors against doing so also. I mean, if everyone exchanges goods directly for other goods, what use will we have for stocks and bonds? Not to mention debentures? The venture capital people will be in for a rude surprise if the succeed in getting this off the ground, only to find their success leaves them broke, with no goats to fall back on. Not me, man. I'm prepared for the coming stock crisis.with several feed silos in an undisclosed sector of Iowa and fifteen prize Marino sheep."
HOW TO GREEN-LIGHT YOUR BARTER-TRANSITION PHASE FOR MAXIMUM CAREER PRODUCTIVITY!
Other e-workers are backing ventures such as IntroSpectre and Gimme-Squared
precisely because they see this economic mega-shift as inevitable. Marina
Vespucci, a top-ranked sysadmin with a bright future, explains her new career-track
like this: "Now with the N-squared, I'm worried that my stocks won't be worth
anything. I was offered over $400,000 worth of options to join this Oracle
consulting firm but I turned them down because who knows how much that'll
be worth after the paradigm shift synergizes the new sea-change.. So now,
I'm working for a POPmail client management firm that paid me this goat and
over 500,000 herd of swine-and threw in a free herder! His name is Todd!"
Still other sectors of the economy are hedging their bets on both sides: The indomitable bio-tech giant Clon-Mart has reported second-quarter dividends up 15 percent. Clon-Mart analyst Craig Wences explains, "The barter system is the best thing to happen to bio-tech since the Human Genome Project. Most of our sales are to these 'n-squared' millionaires. They're getting millions of dollars from venture capitalists, but they're vehemently against the money system. So they're investing in our genetically-engineered livestock, figuring that in the new-new, those with the most tender, juicy herds will reign supreme. If sales continue at this rate, we'll expand our partnership with FarmGard and create FarmSquared, for a vertically-integrated, one-stop livestock solution. If you choose us as your mutant-goat provider, we'll throw in armed security patrols for free to protect your investment from the hordes of starving CEO's and market analysts whose stocks suddenly tanked in the paradigm shift!"
But if he truly believes that barter will replace money as the dominant form of wealth, why is he allowing the n-squared millionaires to pay him with cash? "That's the best thing about our new line of MountainGoats - the 6.0 series will cut our feed costs by 90% while allowing us to utilize the one resource no one else wants..they're bred to eat money!"
"New search engines like IntroSpectre promise to 'eliminate the adversarial relationship between vendors and clients by making everyone a vendor' and 'turn ecommerce into a zero-sum gain!'
Eileen Euhhh - IntroSpectre chairwoman ( pictured above)
"the market can no longer support the demand for superfluous, abstract wealth. In a word, it's obsolete."
Morton Puh - Senior Analyst at the MIT Institute for TelEconomic Policy
"We're really excited about this brand-new phase of human civilization, we're thinking of calling it the Barter System after ourselves.
Morcedai Carter -
Co-founder of Barter Incorporated
"The old-new economy used abstract forms of wealth- stocks and cash- merely because the technology wasn't fast enough to link everyone who wanted something directly to everyone who had it! Now. (money) is obsolete."-
Morton Pluh, MIT TelEconomics analyst
"So now, I'm working for a POPmail client management firm that paid me this goat and over 500,000 herd of swine-and threw in a free herder!"
Maria Vespucci
"If you choose us as your mutant-goat provider, we'll throw in armed security patrols for free to protect your investment!"
Craig Wences of Clon-Mart
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